It seems that the only time I blog on here is when I need to word vomit about relationship-related issues.  Oh well, nobody really reads this anyway, so I guess it doesn't matter.


Over the course of the past 6 months, I've gotten to know this certain boy quite well.  It's a completely transparent relationship in which we have no secrets from one another, and we can completely be ourselves when we're together.  Even though I've only known him for six months, he's become one of my closest friends.

A month or so ago, he texted me, saying that he didn't want to sleep alone that night, and asked if I'd be ok with him staying the night with me.  I told him that was fine.  We both ended up sleeping in my twin-sized bed, which essentially forced us to spoon the entire night.  This story has a see-through plot:  that spooning led to more, and yes, we ended up making out.

Interestingly, he and I had had a conversation just a couple days beforehand about the fact that he doesn't kiss a girl unless it means something.  We had a conversation the next day in which he told me that the reason he kissed me was that he was testing out the waters to see if we could be more than friends.  When I told him I'd never thought about him that way before, he dropped the subject.

Everything went on as it had before until a couple weeks ago.  We hadn't hung out in a couple days, and we both had homework to do, so he came over and we were both going to work on homework.  He ended up sitting next to me on the couch I was on, and as soon as my homework was finished, he put his arm around me and we ended up cuddling.  After a while, I leaned up to kiss him, and he turned away.  I apologized for trying to make our friendship something that it wasn't, and he said, "You don't need to apologize.  I don't want you to think I turned away because I don't love you.  I do."  Yes, he told me he loved me.  I didn't know how to respond, so I stayed silent for quite a while.  He ended up staying the night, but nothing aside from snuggling happened.

The next day, I asked him point blank, "What was last night?"  His response was (verbatim), "Friends hanging out right? I hope there was no confusion when I said I love you; I meant like I love [female friend A] and [male friend B]."  I didn't believe him, especially since I know that he doesn't do physical things with these friends like he does with me.  At that point, I started to reevaluate my relationship with him, and wonder if I wanted it to be more than a close friendship.

Over the course of the next week, he decided that he was going to take an internship he'd been offered in his hometown, which is about 10 hours away.  He and I started spending even more time together, since we knew that our time was limited.

Two nights before he moved, he came over to my house.  We made out, and this time it really seemed like it meant something.  It felt different somehow.  He was going to stay the night, but he decided that would be a bad plan, because he doesn't kiss girls without it meaning something, and, in his words, "I can't think about a relationship with you right now because I'm moving away in a couple days, and you shouldn't put yourself in a situation where you're thinking about a relationship with me since I'll be leaving soon."  That was the first time the "r word" had been said, but of course, as soon as he brought it up, I couldn't stop thinking about it.

The next night we ended up not hanging out because he had a roommate bonding night.  The following day, which was his last day in town before he moved, I ran into him and he assured me that we'd hang out that night.  At about midnight that night, I got a text from him telling me that he was going to bed and that we could have coffee in the morning.

I didn't hear from him until noon on the day he was leaving.  He called me and told me he'd gotten a late start that morning, and that he didn't have time to do anything with me, but he wanted to see me before he left.  He pulled up to my house without even turning his car engine off, hugged me, and drove away.  I cried after he left.

I was pretty hurt, especially considering all the things that had led up to this point.  I don't know what to think anymore.  He's sending me mixed signals.  He texted me last night to let me know that he made it home safely, but that's all I've heard from him.  Maybe it's best that I have time apart from him so I can figure all this out.  It's awful for the time being though.  I'm trying not to be annoying, but all I really want to do is talk to him.  I'd do anything for a text from him, just so I know that I'm on his mind, because he's on mine constantly.

I wish I wasn't such a girl about all this stuff.  I guess that tends to happen when you're female, though, eh?

who the hell am i trying to be?

it's certainly not myself.